My Funny Words On The Internet

Here is a [still pretty long but definitely narrowed down] list of some of my favorite pieces!

Headlines

The Onion

Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute

Box With Cooking Instructions Immediately Retrieved From Trash

More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable

Standards Lowered For Second Search Through Fridge

Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now

Pope Francis Packs Swimming Vestments Just In Case There Pool At Hotel

Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees

Researchers Announce They Don't Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women

Study Finds Average American Hopes No One Saw That 12 Times Per Day

Woman Does Obligatory Little Walk Around Boutique After Checking First Price Tag

Sean Spicer Quietly Puts Painting Back Over Unfinished Escape Tunnel

"Aw, That's Cute," Declares Woman Looking Only At Own Face In Group Photo

Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Step Son's Good Side

Lone Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken

Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses

Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students

Bee Wishes It Could Hang Out Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out

Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything

Mail For Former Resident Looks Important

College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon

Widow Can't Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband's Corpse

Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games' Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates

OE: If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn't Really That Super Into Her

Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor's Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals

Adrenaline-Fueled Mother Lifts Heavy Child From Car

Driver Kinda Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind Awhile Take Exit Off Highway

Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality Onscreen

Nintendo Confirms Yoshi's Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance

Hiker Trapped For Hours Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail

Headlines & Articles
Articles

Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket

 

Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order

 

Obama Practices Defiant Speech To Aliens Late At Night Behind Oval Office Desk

 

Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Man’s Life

 

Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected

 

Poll Finds Americans Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them

 

Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown

 

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

 

Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window

 

Secretary Of Labor Assures Nation There Still Plenty Of Jobs For Americans Willing To Outwork Robots

 

Tearful Anthropologists Discover Dead Ancestor Of Humans 100,000 Years Too Late

 

Study Finds Majority Of U.S. Currency Has Touched Financial Executive’s Nude Body

 

ACLU Stresses That It Legal To Film Garbage Men In All 50 States If You Really Need To

 

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’ (‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says)

 

Death Row Inmate Can’t Deny He Curious To See How State Pulls Off Lethal Injection

 

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

 

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

 

There’s No Greater Bond Than The One Between A Mother And Her Child’s Accomplishments

 

Report: Nation Spends $50 Billion Annually To Get Kids Excited About Things

 

MPAA Adds New Rating To Warn Audiences Of Films Not Based On Existing Works

 

Paul Ryan Awaiting SoulCycle Instructor’s Approval Before Accepting Speaker Role

 

Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Personalized False Hope

 

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween (‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers)

 

Two-Month Freelance Gig Posted In ‘Careers’ Section Of Company’s Website

 

Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window

 

Astronomers Discover Previously Unknown Cluster Of Nothingness In Deep Space

 

Poll Finds 23% Of Americans Would Vote For Jeb Bush If Candidate Standing Right Next To Them In Voting Booth

 

Bigot Annoyed Local Mosque Already Vandalized Before He Got There

 

Second Amendment A Little Creeped Out By How Obsessed Americans Are With It

 

Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs

 

Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation

 

Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie In

 

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

 

Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit

 

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Feature Jokes

There are so many of these!! Here's a wee sample of some of my one-liners.

Clickhole

Feature Jokes

Yeah, a bunch of little jokes like these.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Vulture

Botnik Studios

Co-Written Pieces

The Daily Dot

Slackjaw

The Belladonna Comedy

Above Average

Medium

Someecards

I contributed dozens of joke cards to the site for a few years. Here are just a couple I like best.

For spec scripts, pilots, and other unpublished work contact me or subsidize a website with more storage space!!

© 2019 by Michelle Spies.

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