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The Onion


Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute

Box With Cooking Instructions Immediately Retrieved From Trash


More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable

Standards Lowered For Second Search Through Fridge

Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now

Pope Francis Packs Swimming Vestments Just In Case There Pool At Hotel

Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees

Researchers Announce They Don't Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women

Study Finds Average American Hopes No One Saw That 12 Times Per Day

Woman Does Obligatory Little Walk Around Boutique After Checking First Price Tag

Sean Spicer Quietly Puts Painting Back Over Unfinished Escape Tunnel





"Aw, That's Cute," Declares Woman Looking Only At Own Face In Group Photo

Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Step Son's Good Side

Lone Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken

Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses

Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students

Bee Wishes It Could Hang Out Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out

Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything

College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon

Widow Can't Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband's Corpse

Mail For Former Resident Looks Important

Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games' Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates

OE: If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn't Really That Super Into Her

Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor's Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals

Adrenaline-Fueled Mother Lifts Heavy Child From Car

Driver Kinda Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind Awhile Take Exit Off Highway

Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality Onscreen

Nintendo Confirms Yoshi's Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance

Hiker Trapped For Hours Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail

Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder





Flowers Left Over From Child’s Funeral Under Tremendous Pressure To Thrive

Shaking, Bloody Zendaya Cuts ‘Daily Mail’ Tracking Device From Arm With Steak Knife

Chivalrous Snake Offers Skin To Shivering Date

Sweat-Drenched Woman Types Frantically As Countdown Threatens To Release Temporarily Reserved Show Tickets

Effective Billboard Has Driver Suddenly Craving Visit To The Hospital

Man Exiting Store While Alarm Sounds Makes Big Show Of Looking Surprised To Appear Innocent

New VA Initiative Helps Get Homeless Veterans Into Bigger Tents

Al Roker Reminds Viewers All The Balloons They See Today Are Up For Adoption

Fact-Checkers Verify Information Involving The War In Ukraine…Unless…They Can’t Be Trusted Either…No One Can

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Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket


Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order


Obama Practices Defiant Speech To Aliens Late At Night Behind Oval Office Desk


Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Man’s Life


Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected


Poll Finds Americans Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them


Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown


Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford


Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window


Secretary Of Labor Assures Nation There Still Plenty Of Jobs For Americans Willing To Outwork Robots


Tearful Anthropologists Discover Dead Ancestor Of Humans 100,000 Years Too Late


Study Finds Majority Of U.S. Currency Has Touched Financial Executive’s Nude Body


ACLU Stresses That It Legal To Film Garbage Men In All 50 States If You Really Need To


Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’ (‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says)


Death Row Inmate Can’t Deny He Curious To See How State Pulls Off Lethal Injection


Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’


Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father


There’s No Greater Bond Than The One Between A Mother And Her Child’s Accomplishments


Report: Nation Spends $50 Billion Annually To Get Kids Excited About Things


MPAA Adds New Rating To Warn Audiences Of Films Not Based On Existing Works


Paul Ryan Awaiting SoulCycle Instructor’s Approval Before Accepting Speaker Role


Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Personalized False Hope


Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween (‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers)


Two-Month Freelance Gig Posted In ‘Careers’ Section Of Company’s Website


Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window


Astronomers Discover Previously Unknown Cluster Of Nothingness In Deep Space


Poll Finds 23% Of Americans Would Vote For Jeb Bush If Candidate Standing Right Next To Them In Voting Booth


Bigot Annoyed Local Mosque Already Vandalized Before He Got There


Second Amendment A Little Creeped Out By How Obsessed Americans Are With It


Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs


Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation


Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie In


Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq


Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit


Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Feature Jokes

These are numerous, so here's just a wee sample of some of my published one-liners.

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