The Onion
Headlines
Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute
Box With Cooking Instructions Immediately Retrieved From Trash
More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable
Standards Lowered For Second Search Through Fridge
Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now
Pope Francis Packs Swimming Vestments Just In Case There Pool At Hotel
Researchers Announce They Don't Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women
Study Finds Average American Hopes No One Saw That 12 Times Per Day
Woman Does Obligatory Little Walk Around Boutique After Checking First Price Tag
Sean Spicer Quietly Puts Painting Back Over Unfinished Escape Tunnel
"Aw, That's Cute," Declares Woman Looking Only At Own Face In Group Photo
Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Step Son's Good Side
Lone Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken
Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses
Bee Wishes It Could Hang Out Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out
Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything
College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon
Widow Can't Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband's Corpse
Mail For Former Resident Looks Important
OE: If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn't Really That Super Into Her
Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor's Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals
Adrenaline-Fueled Mother Lifts Heavy Child From Car
Driver Kinda Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind Awhile Take Exit Off Highway
Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality Onscreen
Nintendo Confirms Yoshi's Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance
Hiker Trapped For Hours Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail
Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island
Flowers Left Over From Child’s Funeral Under Tremendous Pressure To Thrive
Shaking, Bloody Zendaya Cuts ‘Daily Mail’ Tracking Device From Arm With Steak Knife
Chivalrous Snake Offers Skin To Shivering Date
Effective Billboard Has Driver Suddenly Craving Visit To The Hospital
Man Exiting Store While Alarm Sounds Makes Big Show Of Looking Surprised To Appear Innocent
New VA Initiative Helps Get Homeless Veterans Into Bigger Tents
Al Roker Reminds Viewers All The Balloons They See Today Are Up For Adoption
Headlines & Articles
Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle
Doctor Makes Half-Hearted Alternative Suggestion Before Handing Over Drugs
I Want You To Know I'm Just Trying To Replace Your Mom
Report: 15,000 People Vanish From 'Fall Fest' Hayride Wagons Each Year
Customer Who Declined Initial Offer Of Assistance Comes Crawling Back
Articles
Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket
Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order
Obama Practices Defiant Speech To Aliens Late At Night Behind Oval Office Desk
Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Man’s Life
Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected
Poll Finds Americans Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them
Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford
Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window
Secretary Of Labor Assures Nation There Still Plenty Of Jobs For Americans Willing To Outwork Robots
Tearful Anthropologists Discover Dead Ancestor Of Humans 100,000 Years Too Late
Study Finds Majority Of U.S. Currency Has Touched Financial Executive’s Nude Body
ACLU Stresses That It Legal To Film Garbage Men In All 50 States If You Really Need To
Death Row Inmate Can’t Deny He Curious To See How State Pulls Off Lethal Injection
Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’
Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father
There’s No Greater Bond Than The One Between A Mother And Her Child’s Accomplishments
Report: Nation Spends $50 Billion Annually To Get Kids Excited About Things
MPAA Adds New Rating To Warn Audiences Of Films Not Based On Existing Works
Paul Ryan Awaiting SoulCycle Instructor’s Approval Before Accepting Speaker Role
Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Personalized False Hope
Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween (‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers)
Two-Month Freelance Gig Posted In ‘Careers’ Section Of Company’s Website
Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window
Astronomers Discover Previously Unknown Cluster Of Nothingness In Deep Space
Bigot Annoyed Local Mosque Already Vandalized Before He Got There
Second Amendment A Little Creeped Out By How Obsessed Americans Are With It
Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs
Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation
Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie In
Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq
Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit
Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns
Feature Jokes
These are numerous, so here's just a wee sample of some of my published one-liners.
